What used to be Home

First, the roads change
then changes the city.

Each day, day by day
Life is chipping away
at the memory
of what used to be my home.

My friends have now moved to other cities
there isn’t much home left at home…

Each day, day by day
Life is chipping away
at the time
we will spend together.

My sister is married now
only teary goodbye hugs remain.

Each day, day by day
Life is chipping away 
at the innocence
of our childish ways.

Gray hair and weak knees
twenty days in a year they see
the kids they raised to be independent.

Each day, day by day
Life is adding weight
to the burden 
of my guilt.



First, the roads change
then changes the city.

Each day, day by day
Life is chipping away
at the memory
of what used to be my home.

Love
Manik

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The order in things is God

To me, the concept of God was never alien. However, it certainly is very different from the idea of an old bearded man in the sky.

The Form and The Formless

I remember as a kid, I’d go to the temple when my Mom would take me and I’d pray. Thankfully my mother only ever taught me to pray for two things – intellect to tell right from wrong (buddhi) and strength to face the world (taakat). I do not recall ever praying for something material. And then she would tell me to thank God for all what I have in life.

Whenever I pray/recall/remember God even today, I’d start with some specific “form” in mind. It used to start with some deity before, but more recently it starts with the form of Guru. But to me, the form only serves as a channel to recall the formless.
The feeling of God rather than some being.

Keeping up?

The Formless

First and foremost, what I like about my religion is that it does not prohibit me from having my own idea of God. It rather accepts it, I am not at odds with it. But the list of reasons I like my religion is not a long one, and that mostly has to do with the fact about how corrupted the message has become. But I digress…

To me, the idea of God has always been about the order of things in the Universe. The planets revolve around the Sun and the moons around the planet not because of God. But the fact that they revolve, the symmetry from a moon to a planet and a planet to star and a star to galaxy center – it itself is God. It is science, it is beautiful and it is Godly to me.

Gravity is inversely proportional to the square of the distance between two bodies, because of the curvature in space-time itself. That curvature is not caused by God, it itself is God. It is science, it is beautiful and it is Godly to me.

How music can convey emotions, and when the right soundtrack plays I get goosebumps. Me being in sync with the music at that moment is Godly to me. It is beautiful.

Whatever that accesses something beyond this tangible universe, something mesmerizing – it is accessing God. Whenever I feel in tune with another human being, it is awe-inspiring and it is God.

It all is.

The Detractors

Q: If there is God, why does he not take care of the needy and why does he let these cruel things happen?
A: To me, God is not in charge of running the world. The same laws of physics of power your homes as they create bombs as well. The laws of physics are not in control. They just dictate what can or cannot be. To my personal belief of God, the same logic applies. Me writing this post is in no way dictated by a Godly force – it just did not dictate that it could not happen. Whether it happens or not is totally a thing of the world around me.

Q: Do I have faith? Why would I pray if according to me God has no control whatsoever?
A: Yes I do have faith. What faith and praying simply does for me is that it takes away the mental trouble or stress of me worrying about a future event. Whether the event does or does not happen is still not in control of God. However, and this is the most illogical part, I just believe that it will turn out to be what I wished for. And I guess that is faith – a logical, illogical outlet for your mind to drop some stress.

Q: Do I not do things because I am God-fearing?
A: I would say no to that one. I do not do things that I feel are not the right thing to do. I never understood the concept of fearing God. I mean the guy is not in control people. 😉 Jokes apart, empathy is the thing that stops me from doing things that I feel are not right.

Q: Do I believe in Karma? In rebirth?
A: I would say I am not sure about rebirth. And that is because I do not care what the answer is, it does not change the way I live. Karma is just another way for me to drop the stress in my mind about events from the past. Just attribute the events to this intangible thing which basically means – it was supposed to happen and so it did. There is no reason behind it, and whatcha’ gonna do about it. It is already done. So get moving with your life.

Happy Living!
Love
Manik

Twenty-Fifth Birthday & Quarter Life Crisis

If you’re going to wake up every day and ask yourself whether you’re going to make any difference today or whether you are going to be happy each moment this day — believe me, you are going to have a rather miserable life.

I should rather say, do whatever you can in your life, you’d still have a rather miserable life. Happiness is a myth. Let me rephrase that, everlasting happiness is a myth – even experience enhancers (fancy name for drugs) last only so long.

I wrote one post 5 years ago about my birthday, I was rather happy back then. Something you can expect from a twenty-something summer child who had not seen a lot of this world yet. I am not saying that as if I have seen much, but whatever I have I don’t like it. It is like my choices are between misery, pain, anxiety, crippling fear and what have you. It is, quite literally, pick your poison.

Let’s break it down, yo! What’s troubling you?

Oh, you wanna hear whats wrong? What’s wrong is that my mind is too easily distracted to even write a complete rant these days. I feel so alienated with my own thoughts and notions that I wonder are they truly mine or are they the ones that have been poured down my throat for years and years on by the society and world around me.

Call me a cynic, but every happy person I see, I think that they are faking it! No one’s life is perfect, gimme a break, gimme an honest person for once. Everyone is telling everyone else the good things that happen in their lives while glossing over the sad details just to derive happiness from others envy. What-a-world!

I am sad today because of the burden of my own expectations of me. How very counter-intuitive, right? I think the caveman would have been a very happy fellow, just like animals. Living like animals, why is that a bad thing at all? At this point, I seriously envy a dog’s life. Die relatively young, eat whatever whenever, be with whoever the fuck you wanna be with, don’t have a lot of cognitive ability for big things in life, and no expectations. Also, did I mention, die young?

I profess, God came down to earth and did two things —
1) Give Aloo Gobhi Recipe to some bloke who would later end up owning half of the world, and
2) Create choices, so that all men in their eternal misery have to pick one and then later drown their guilt with aloo gobhi, making the former bloke rich beyond richness itself.

I think honesty, is not only underrated, it is quite misunderstood. Being honest with others is the easy thing to do and sometimes the foolish one as well. As a thumb rule, don’t take up honesty as a thumb rule. I think, the true meaning oh honesty is to know what you’re thinking and feeling without cajoling or defending yourself about why you’re thinking that.

As an example – You hate a person, you see them, they do something horrible again. At that moment your body is alive in rage; all you wanna do is speak out the expletives that are already there on your tongue, give them a piece of your mind and tell them what a fucking twat they are and maybe, just maybe, bash their skull in. You not doing all of that is rather intelligent of you. However, later on in the night when you remember these thoughts & feelings – you either try and downplay your hate or try to tell yourself that hatred is a rather negative emotion which such a positive person like you should not feel. Now that is dishonesty. And believe me, even if you don’t believe in Jesus. THAT IS A SIN.

Before I wrap up, on this rather dark but humorous note, let me take things to more somber place (just because I can).

I miss my family and friends a lot. I do not think that I am doing the right things in life anymore. I don’t want my dreams and voice to die a rather cold death at the hands of a well-paying job. And above all, I don’t wanna die without a name. I am not sure of what path to chose forward in life and it is killing me one day at a time. I think humans were not meant to stop and think at every moment because that would have been a shitty existence, but every few months you should still do a course correction.

Also, adult birthdays suck. At 25 the world is basically telling you that you aren’t the special little snowflake everyone told you that you were! Heads up if you’re not 25 yet.

Well happy fucking birthday to me!

Love
Manik

P.S. Don’t think that I am sad, know I am and no it’s not your job to fix me. Just think of it as my time of the month, because you know it is easier for both of us that way…

Tidbits Vol 5. – I’ve this superpower

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As children, we have always fantasized about superpowers. It’d be so cool if I could go to school like Spiderman. It’d be so cool if I could apparate from one place to another like Night Crawler. But alas, we grow up and the fantasies die.

Some part of me would like to believe that the fantasies still live in our hearts, however, we’re just too afraid to show the world that we still believe in something so naive.

Anyway, I digress. So I am here tonight not to make you feel bad and not to brag either, yet I must say this – I do have a superpower. Nothing fancy, but it is a blessing nonetheless.

To give you some context, I was cleaning up one of my old TODO lists, as I have done so time to time. God as my witness, I must confess, that even though I am of firm faith when adding to the lists, “THE TASKS THAT MUST BE DONE“. I have little to no follow through when it comes to doing them. Why? just because a stupid list tells me that I should, pfft.

I noticed something weird when I was deleting lines of text from my list. Many of the things that I had listed in there – they were already done. Some were not, and I wasn’t any closer to completing them. However, the good part about it was even though I hadn’t read that list in the recent past, much of what I truly wanted to do – I had already done it. And then I picked up some more lists, and bam, I had done a lot there as well.

I had seen this peculiarity the last couple of times I was cleaning up some other lists. I don’t know if you too have witnessed something like this, have you? Anyway, right now I am too giddy – anything I wanna get done, I am gonna write it down and forget about it.

Here you go universe –


Love
Manik

P.S. I am sure, you must be wondering what are the empty bullets all about?! Well, I tried writing down what I wanted, but somehow it’s too personal and too cheesy for me to write it down. Also, I didn’t need three bullets because I can sum up what I really want on just a single line. However, it does open up a chance for you, dear reader, what would you write down on a TODO list – a TODO list that promises you that whatever you write down, you will do it. So think.

Goodbye

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When does something end,
why do things only fade away
which is better?

Everything closes its eyes and lays to rest.
I don’t know which ones will come back.

Why are there memories
What purpose do they serve
Why do we even love?

It is all going away this moment
Everything has lied to me
It has always been an illusion.

I know nothing stays.
I will just go back to ignorance now…

Love
Manik

To everything that was left behind. I don’t know if I am ever coming back. I miss you.

Tidbits Vol. 4 – Bangalore

It has only been 4 weeks since I moved to Bangalore and I am already back in Delhi. Worry not, it’s only the winter vacations I’m here for.

Over these 4 weeks, I’ve experienced a lot of new things and thus, I have a constant buzz of questions surrounding me. So I thought I’d answer some of them on the blog.

Q. How is Bangalore? How is it treating you? How are you liking it so far?
A. First of all, slow down. (That is a 10 mark question in the CBSE boards.)

Bangalore is yet another metropolitan city. By that I mean, lots of people, all round the clock activity, noise and pollution, varied experiences every day – the whole nine yards.

How am I liking it so far? Honestly, one month is not enough time to tell. I can comment on the various aspects, but a more complete picture needs another 6 months, maybe.

Food – I like idlis and set dosa with tomato and coconut chutney so I think I’d be fine. As far as the Dilli Chat goes, I’d request the vendors there to not try and imitate it. You aren’t doing a fantastic job. Also what I miss a lot is the number of paneer and soya dishes. God damn it! Where am I supposed to get my proteins from?

Weather – Fantastic! When it rains I love it. The soft wind that blows in your face and gives you the comforting chilly feeling. I absolutely love it. Although I miss Delhi’s winters a bit and hence I flew back for the break.

Traffic – Please save me, dear Lord. In Delhi, I used to travel twenty-two kilometers to office in little less than half an hour. My office commute in Bangalore takes about the same time but my work is only three kilometers away. And God forbid if it rains, because when it does – I freaking hate it. I swear I have even considered buying a sleeping bag for my cubicle to avoid going back to home.

Q. What is the one big change you have witnessed in you / around you?
A. Moving out of home for the first time, the biggest change is to constantly keep an eye out, plan for things in advance and prioritize over lazying around. Accepting the harsh realities, that the pile of dirty clothes in the corner of the room will not magically reappear as a freshly laundered stack is a big realization. There would not always be food unless you go out and buy it is another one. There are much more but I think reiterating them would just be a discourse on how unprepared I was and how much I took for granted the little things. But I like to see the glass half full and thus, I see it as a coming of age transition.

Q. What is the thing you miss the most?
A. In the office – the friends and the banter. At home – the comfort.

Q. How is the new team at the office? How are you liking it there?
A. Again, too soon to tell. The short answer would be that it is a lot different from my previous team, the expectations, the processes, the people are a lot different. I keep a constant pressure on myself to prove my abilities. That hurts my well-being a bit, but I think it would not be for long and also that it would bode well for me in the future.

Q. What was a bubble bursting moment for you?
A. When I surfed the internet to buy a cot. The prices there surely burst my bubble about my perceived ease of setting up a home. In the last month, I have spent so much that it is hard to keep track – I hope it is just a one-off thing. The guiding force for such exorbitant expenditure has been an advice from a friend – who was having a terrible time in New York. In all his misery, he asked me to always remember two things. One, make your home/room such that at the end of the day you’d want to return back to it. And two, always keep your fridge stocked. I must say that I have followed his advice to the letter, but I also need to invoke my baniya powers and keep the expenditure in check for the future.

Q.What is your routine like and what activity would you like to introduce into it?
A. Get up, get ready, get a cab. Eat three meals at the office. Return home by midnight. No matter what time I start for office I can only return by midnight as I generally have meetings in the night. The things I’d like to reintroduce into my routine would be playing basketball or meditating a bit. Also, I’d like to find some time for my personal projects and video games. Currently, all my routine is out of whack because I am constantly in the firefighting mode. I think in another fifteen days I’d set up the things I require and would then have more time for myself.

I think folks, that’s all for today. See you next time.

Love
Manik

Sometimes Temporary is a very Permanent Thing

All prayers are answered, sometimes the answer is NO. How I wish, the answer was no.

I don’t know if you already do know, but I’m moving to Bangalore. Everything happened so fast that there wasn’t much time to talk about it. And it is also true, that howsoever much time I might’ve had, it’d always seem less.

For me Delhi is much more than the smog covered, noisy and over burdened city that people see it as. Heck, I too see it that way. But that’s not the point. The point is it is the place I was born in, it is where I went to school, to college even. Everything that happened in my life happened in this city. 23 years I’ve lived in this city, thrived on its pace and loved its peculiarities. 23 years is not a small time to spend somewhere. It is definitely not easy to forget too.

A lot has been going on in my life. Much to my dislike, I feel that I am growing up. I hate it, but I guess there is no running away. Responsibilities have a way of finding able shoulders and I guess I had evaded them for long enough now. Yet, I think I am struggling more on the emotional front than any other.

I look up and see the walls of the room I have slept in for the last 10 years, all about to vanish from around me in another 2 weeks. Ditto for everything else, everything that has made me feel at home. There is just too much to talk about, another 23 years would seem less.

I do not know what will happen in the coming time. Will my expectations be met. Will I achieve whatever I have set out to achieve? Or will it all be for nothing. I am quite sure it wont be for nothing, but today I feel scared. It’s a scared excited feeling I asked for, and I got it.

Love
Manik

Tidbits Vol 3. – What I do best

I wonder, what is it that I do best. I code, I write, I sing (definitely the worst), I make fun of people (which I have recently come to know that people despise me for it), I offer support (at my own terms), I make friends (as long as the friendship is low maintenance), I act (all the time), I listen to music (hating the songs I have, and always in search of comfort), I drive (which I thoroughly dislike), I sleep (rarely because I want to)…

What is it that I do best? Maybe what I do best is do a lot of things (if doing 5 things is a lot).

I know, I could go on and on. I even know that everyone can relate to this and can rant much more than I could, talk about being best at nothing. 😛
So the better thing would be to talk about what I want to do, hopefully do that good enough to make a mark (I have come to realize the best is mostly out of reach, until at least you have achieved what is good enough).

Here you go universe, I want this, I want to make people happy. To be wanted. To help people with their troubles in life, at least those troubles that I too face.

I want to get rid of this feeling that I could contribute much more. I think that is what I want. To do enough, to do one hundred percent. To be one hundred percent! 

Clearly I don’t write the best. Thank you for reading. Your 5 minutes aren’t refundable 😛

Love
Manik