Twenty-Fifth Birthday & Quarter Life Crisis

If you’re going to wake up every day and ask yourself whether you’re going to make any difference today or whether you are going to be happy each moment this day — believe me, you are going to have a rather miserable life.

I should rather say, do whatever you can in your life, you’d still have a rather miserable life. Happiness is a myth. Let me rephrase that, everlasting happiness is a myth – even experience enhancers (fancy name for drugs) last only so long.

I wrote one post 5 years ago about my birthday, I was rather happy back then. Something you can expect from a twenty-something summer child who had not seen a lot of this world yet. I am not saying that as if I have seen much, but whatever I have I don’t like it. It is like my choices are between misery, pain, anxiety, crippling fear and what have you. It is, quite literally, pick your poison.

Let’s break it down, yo! What’s troubling you?

Oh, you wanna hear whats wrong? What’s wrong is that my mind is too easily distracted to even write a complete rant these days. I feel so alienated with my own thoughts and notions that I wonder are they truly mine or are they the ones that have been poured down my throat for years and years on by the society and world around me.

Call me a cynic, but every happy person I see, I think that they are faking it! No one’s life is perfect, gimme a break, gimme an honest person for once. Everyone is telling everyone else the good things that happen in their lives while glossing over the sad details just to derive happiness from others envy. What-a-world!

I am sad today because of the burden of my own expectations of me. How very counter-intuitive, right? I think the caveman would have been a very happy fellow, just like animals. Living like animals, why is that a bad thing at all? At this point, I seriously envy a dog’s life. Die relatively young, eat whatever whenever, be with whoever the fuck you wanna be with, don’t have a lot of cognitive ability for big things in life, and no expectations. Also, did I mention, die young?

I profess, God came down to earth and did two things —
1) Give Aloo Gobhi Recipe to some bloke who would later end up owning half of the world, and
2) Create choices, so that all men in their eternal misery have to pick one and then later drown their guilt with aloo gobhi, making the former bloke rich beyond richness itself.

I think honesty, is not only underrated, it is quite misunderstood. Being honest with others is the easy thing to do and sometimes the foolish one as well. As a thumb rule, don’t take up honesty as a thumb rule. I think, the true meaning oh honesty is to know what you’re thinking and feeling without cajoling or defending yourself about why you’re thinking that.

As an example – You hate a person, you see them, they do something horrible again. At that moment your body is alive in rage; all you wanna do is speak out the expletives that are already there on your tongue, give them a piece of your mind and tell them what a fucking twat they are and maybe, just maybe, bash their skull in. You not doing all of that is rather intelligent of you. However, later on in the night when you remember these thoughts & feelings – you either try and downplay your hate or try to tell yourself that hatred is a rather negative emotion which such a positive person like you should not feel. Now that is dishonesty. And believe me, even if you don’t believe in Jesus. THAT IS A SIN.

Before I wrap up, on this rather dark but humorous note, let me take things to more somber place (just because I can).

I miss my family and friends a lot. I do not think that I am doing the right things in life anymore. I don’t want my dreams and voice to die a rather cold death at the hands of a well-paying job. And above all, I don’t wanna die without a name. I am not sure of what path to chose forward in life and it is killing me one day at a time. I think humans were not meant to stop and think at every moment because that would have been a shitty existence, but every few months you should still do a course correction.

Also, adult birthdays suck. At 25 the world is basically telling you that you aren’t the special little snowflake everyone told you that you were! Heads up if you’re not 25 yet.

Well happy fucking birthday to me!

Love
Manik

P.S. Don’t think that I am sad, know I am and no it’s not your job to fix me. Just think of it as my time of the month, because you know it is easier for both of us that way…

Advertisements

Tidbits Vol 5. – I’ve this superpower

Tags

,

As children, we have always fantasized about superpowers. It’d be so cool if I could go to school like Spiderman. It’d be so cool if I could apparate from one place to another like Night Crawler. But alas, we grow up and the fantasies die.

Some part of me would like to believe that the fantasies still live in our hearts, however, we’re just too afraid to show the world that we still believe in something so naive.

Anyway, I digress. So I am here tonight not to make you feel bad and not to brag either, yet I must say this – I do have a superpower. Nothing fancy, but it is a blessing nonetheless.

To give you some context, I was cleaning up one of my old TODO lists, as I have done so time to time. God as my witness, I must confess, that even though I am of firm faith when adding to the lists, “THE TASKS THAT MUST BE DONE“. I have little to no follow through when it comes to doing them. Why? just because a stupid list tells me that I should, pfft.

I noticed something weird when I was deleting lines of text from my list. Many of the things that I had listed in there – they were already done. Some were not, and I wasn’t any closer to completing them. However, the good part about it was even though I hadn’t read that list in the recent past, much of what I truly wanted to do – I had already done it. And then I picked up some more lists, and bam, I had done a lot there as well.

I had seen this peculiarity the last couple of times I was cleaning up some other lists. I don’t know if you too have witnessed something like this, have you? Anyway, right now I am too giddy – anything I wanna get done, I am gonna write it down and forget about it.

Here you go universe –


Love
Manik

P.S. I am sure, you must be wondering what are the empty bullets all about?! Well, I tried writing down what I wanted, but somehow it’s too personal and too cheesy for me to write it down. Also, I didn’t need three bullets because I can sum up what I really want on just a single line. However, it does open up a chance for you, dear reader, what would you write down on a TODO list – a TODO list that promises you that whatever you write down, you will do it. So think.

Goodbye

Tags

,

When does something end,
why do things only fade away
which is better?

Everything closes its eyes and lays to rest.
I don’t know which ones will come back.

Why are there memories
What purpose do they serve
Why do we even love?

It is all going away this moment
Everything has lied to me
It has always been an illusion.

I know nothing stays.
I will just go back to ignorance now…

Love
Manik

To everything that was left behind. I don’t know if I am ever coming back. I miss you.

Tidbits Vol. 4 – Bangalore

It has only been 4 weeks since I moved to Bangalore and I am already back in Delhi. Worry not, it’s only the winter vacations I’m here for.

Over these 4 weeks, I’ve experienced a lot of new things and thus, I have a constant buzz of questions surrounding me. So I thought I’d answer some of them on the blog.

Q. How is Bangalore? How is it treating you? How are you liking it so far?
A. First of all, slow down. (That is a 10 mark question in the CBSE boards.)

Bangalore is yet another metropolitan city. By that I mean, lots of people, all round the clock activity, noise and pollution, varied experiences every day – the whole nine yards.

How am I liking it so far? Honestly, one month is not enough time to tell. I can comment on the various aspects, but a more complete picture needs another 6 months, maybe.

Food – I like idlis and set dosa with tomato and coconut chutney so I think I’d be fine. As far as the Dilli Chat goes, I’d request the vendors there to not try and imitate it. You aren’t doing a fantastic job. Also what I miss a lot is the number of paneer and soya dishes. God damn it! Where am I supposed to get my proteins from?

Weather – Fantastic! When it rains I love it. The soft wind that blows in your face and gives you the comforting chilly feeling. I absolutely love it. Although I miss Delhi’s winters a bit and hence I flew back for the break.

Traffic – Please save me, dear Lord. In Delhi, I used to travel twenty-two kilometers to office in little less than half an hour. My office commute in Bangalore takes about the same time but my work is only three kilometers away. And God forbid if it rains, because when it does – I freaking hate it. I swear I have even considered buying a sleeping bag for my cubicle to avoid going back to home.

Q. What is the one big change you have witnessed in you / around you?
A. Moving out of home for the first time, the biggest change is to constantly keep an eye out, plan for things in advance and prioritize over lazying around. Accepting the harsh realities, that the pile of dirty clothes in the corner of the room will not magically reappear as a freshly laundered stack is a big realization. There would not always be food unless you go out and buy it is another one. There are much more but I think reiterating them would just be a discourse on how unprepared I was and how much I took for granted the little things. But I like to see the glass half full and thus, I see it as a coming of age transition.

Q. What is the thing you miss the most?
A. In the office – the friends and the banter. At home – the comfort.

Q. How is the new team at the office? How are you liking it there?
A. Again, too soon to tell. The short answer would be that it is a lot different from my previous team, the expectations, the processes, the people are a lot different. I keep a constant pressure on myself to prove my abilities. That hurts my well-being a bit, but I think it would not be for long and also that it would bode well for me in the future.

Q. What was a bubble bursting moment for you?
A. When I surfed the internet to buy a cot. The prices there surely burst my bubble about my perceived ease of setting up a home. In the last month, I have spent so much that it is hard to keep track – I hope it is just a one-off thing. The guiding force for such exorbitant expenditure has been an advice from a friend – who was having a terrible time in New York. In all his misery, he asked me to always remember two things. One, make your home/room such that at the end of the day you’d want to return back to it. And two, always keep your fridge stocked. I must say that I have followed his advice to the letter, but I also need to invoke my baniya powers and keep the expenditure in check for the future.

Q.What is your routine like and what activity would you like to introduce into it?
A. Get up, get ready, get a cab. Eat three meals at the office. Return home by midnight. No matter what time I start for office I can only return by midnight as I generally have meetings in the night. The things I’d like to reintroduce into my routine would be playing basketball or meditating a bit. Also, I’d like to find some time for my personal projects and video games. Currently, all my routine is out of whack because I am constantly in the firefighting mode. I think in another fifteen days I’d set up the things I require and would then have more time for myself.

I think folks, that’s all for today. See you next time.

Love
Manik

Sometimes Temporary is a very Permanent Thing

All prayers are answered, sometimes the answer is NO. How I wish, the answer was no.

I don’t know if you already do know, but I’m moving to Bangalore. Everything happened so fast that there wasn’t much time to talk about it. And it is also true, that howsoever much time I might’ve had, it’d always seem less.

For me Delhi is much more than the smog covered, noisy and over burdened city that people see it as. Heck, I too see it that way. But that’s not the point. The point is it is the place I was born in, it is where I went to school, to college even. Everything that happened in my life happened in this city. 23 years I’ve lived in this city, thrived on its pace and loved its peculiarities. 23 years is not a small time to spend somewhere. It is definitely not easy to forget too.

A lot has been going on in my life. Much to my dislike, I feel that I am growing up. I hate it, but I guess there is no running away. Responsibilities have a way of finding able shoulders and I guess I had evaded them for long enough now. Yet, I think I am struggling more on the emotional front than any other.

I look up and see the walls of the room I have slept in for the last 10 years, all about to vanish from around me in another 2 weeks. Ditto for everything else, everything that has made me feel at home. There is just too much to talk about, another 23 years would seem less.

I do not know what will happen in the coming time. Will my expectations be met. Will I achieve whatever I have set out to achieve? Or will it all be for nothing. I am quite sure it wont be for nothing, but today I feel scared. It’s a scared excited feeling I asked for, and I got it.

Love
Manik

Tidbits Vol 3. – What I do best

I wonder, what is it that I do best. I code, I write, I sing (definitely the worst), I make fun of people (which I have recently come to know that people despise me for it), I offer support (at my own terms), I make friends (as long as the friendship is low maintenance), I act (all the time), I listen to music (hating the songs I have, and always in search of comfort), I drive (which I thoroughly dislike), I sleep (rarely because I want to)…

What is it that I do best? Maybe what I do best is do a lot of things (if doing 5 things is a lot).

I know, I could go on and on. I even know that everyone can relate to this and can rant much more than I could, talk about being best at nothing. 😛
So the better thing would be to talk about what I want to do, hopefully do that good enough to make a mark (I have come to realize the best is mostly out of reach, until at least you have achieved what is good enough).

Here you go universe, I want this, I want to make people happy. To be wanted. To help people with their troubles in life, at least those troubles that I too face.

I want to get rid of this feeling that I could contribute much more. I think that is what I want. To do enough, to do one hundred percent. To be one hundred percent! 

Clearly I don’t write the best. Thank you for reading. Your 5 minutes aren’t refundable 😛

Love
Manik

Tidbits Vol 2.

Hello to all present! How are ya!

I wrote this while listening to a new song [new to me, actually quite old]. I don’t know the meaning of the song much but I just like its music and the flow.

I had a good day after a while. Like a really good day at relaxing, talking and laughing a lot. Brilliant part is that tonight is probably one of those nights where I am not engrossed in my primary love of programming. Tonight is the night for my mistress – for writing, for music.

Tonight is the night where I’d think the same things I think on other nights, but with a twist. I’d think about things with an all knowing smile on my face. Knowing that while on other nights such thoughts would bring me to an existential crisis, tonight I can enjoy them. Because I know tomorrow morning is not going to be any different than today’s or yesterday’s. You’d not know what I am talking about if you have never laughed at yourself, brushed aside your own belief as trivial in the grand scheme of things, or in general take yourself way too seriously.

Anyway I digress. Tonight is the night when I think about the same things; things like

… thunder only happens when its raaaaining …

[Don’t mind if I insert random lyrics of the song as quotes in my post. 😛 ]

Things like, a feeling that I felt when I first secured a job offer at a company I really liked. A company which I aspired to work with/at. A company  which offered(/s) great benefits and competitive pay, great colleagues and what not..

What’s that feeling, you ask. To sum it up in a question, the question would be

Have you ever been bought?

Love
Manik

Tidbits Vol 1.

Tags

, ,

Hi There!

I think I am gonna start a new section all together. A lot of things happen, of which not all are able to make it on the paper, and even if they do, censorship is a bitch. 😛

Going forward, just keep in mind that I came up with the title, and the theme in about 5 seconds. Go figure! Here we go.

Firstly, today (2 hours earlier) I was doing some (5 seconds worth) thinking about India’s image in our minds and in the minds of the foreigners. The thought process triggered because of two videos (Hymn for the weekend by Coldplay and China vs India in the eyes of a Westerner), doing the rounds on my facebook feed.

What I was thinking about is how I could not relate (/ accept (I am not sure) ) very much to the India presented in these videos.

  • Is my own perception of India skewed, having spent my entire life in the capital and travelling only rarely where too I experience the actuality from a distance?
  • Or, is the western world too hung up on the imagery of slumdog millionaire that they are unable to open up their eyes to the urban India?
  • And maybe majority of the non urban India is like the one shown in the videos, then why am I (/ why are we) too hung up on shedding that image of India.

I think the third question is really worth answering and I am still looking for any clues to it.

Secondly, I was thinking about one other thing. I started to code at 18 and I was wondering how does coding feel to people who have been at it since they were 12 years old. Does it feel more at home. What is that like?

And lastly for today, I got a really bad (/ good ( not really)) haircut. Haha. It is so bad that I have to wing it; own it rather. I think that, that is really the way forward for a lot of things.

stainer

From the movie She’s out of my league. And yes I could have quoted one of Tyrion’s line but you have already seen that so…

 

Cheers & Love!
Manik