Day after day, every hour, I keep on getting desires to do something. Sometimes the desires are just about doing something else. Something else. Not this! No, not this too. Something else.
And that would have been frustrating but I know better. I think it is probably a good thing to get bored, frustrated again and again. It is probably a good thing that I keep getting to know, that “this is not it.”
There must definitely be something else that can quench my desires. It is not a thirst, it is not hunger, neither sleep, nor want of companionship. And it is not any other carnal instinct. It feels like nothing can satisfy. And probably it might be scary for a normal person, but I know better.
I think it is a drive to do something worth-a-while. And I know of many things which are worth-a-while. Well, not many “things” but many ways. Because all that is actually worth-a-while is spreading smiles. So, it may be designing a new game, taking a political awareness step, helping someone out of their misery or simply enrolling another stranger-later-to-become-great-friend on one of the Art of Breathing programs, but it is what it is, something worth-a-while to spend your time effort and money upon.
Though I don’t know which, but I probably know where home is. And I am less scared about making tough choices. But, still scared anyway.
I guess, life is what is. You can never know, and you can never plan. But only, you can live it. Let it unfold. See where it takes you. It may chill you to the bone and then give you a heart warming hug, or even the other way around. But I guess, no matter what, it shall always be complete.
People ask me how come you are so “Manik” at some times and some days you can talk so mature things. I think it is because I have seen a lot of life. And a lot many people have also seen a lot of life, what differentiates is, I feel it is not incomplete and hence I wanna live in it. I want to play out my role in the drama that this world is. The best part is actually that I have no clue what the script is, and hence I can too, laugh along with the audience.
I wanna let it happen. I wanna let it be. That is not passive, I am not waiting for something to happen. I am actively wondering, what all can happen. The possibilities may elate me or sadden me, but 2 days later, I’d be still me. I’d still: “Yeah! whatever! I am happy.”
P.S. Wisdom tooth extraction was today. Cannot speak cannot eat, and am wondering why the people around me seem happier. 😛 Anyway, I think I should cash in on the the tooth I hold in my hand, before it gets lost somewhere.