I am here, but I am not. I am behind a veil. Cryptic. The veil is mine or is it imposed, I don’t know. The facade is necessary, but I am tired of it. I wanna swear but something restricts me. I wanna laugh but I am not happy. I wanna cry but something restricts me. Is it the idea of going back every Monday that blocks me from letting go? What is it! I think it is that, but I am not sure. For now I can say that is it but I know there might be something else. This might just a thing behind which I am hiding the fact that I am not happy. I need a refresher. I want to be me. I feel tired I feel dejected. People may say sad and dejected are the same. But they aren’t. I feel dejected not sad. I am tired of being on a pedestal. FUCK you! It’s your fault. But it is mine also, even though, I know this as a fact/in words but I don’t realize it yet. FUCK me as well!
Has rage ever took you over? Like, if you were driving, and suddenly out of no where a sudden impulse takes over you and you wanna kill the thing right in front of you. FUCCCCKKK! Hands lock in to hold something and rip it apart. Well that’s me. The incidents are getting more frequent. Sometimes people around me try and sympathise. But what do they know. Shitty Losers. Fuck. I am tired of the fact that I keep myself on a pedestal. I expect so much of me. And that just fucks with my brain my self confidence my peace my mind when I am not able to deliver on it. And How can I? I am so tired. I am busy. Fuck life. Fuck friendship. fuck hugs. I need a hug. I need it from you. I want to unwind
I want to die if this is it. I hope it is not. Help me. I started thinking and the veil is back. FUCK this SHIT!
Horse with no name.
P.S. For the sake of publishing I tried removing the obsceneties, but the expression went incomplete. I am sorry.