Circus

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I don’t second guess myself much. I am much more of the impulsive kind, and the impulses have worked out well until now, I think.

But when the stakes are high, the impulses get weak. When jumping could mean dying, your legs give in. Even though you know that you are attached to a cord, that you are gonna be safe, that the most thrilling time of your life is just 2 feet away, your legs give in.

I never figured myself to be of the kind that liked consistency. So away from change. But its nice. Maybe it is not nice, but at least it is easy. When the comfort of the world is in my reach, why would I move? When I seemingly have nothing to prove, why would I even care? I despise myself today, a little. Maybe because it is the easy thing to do.

I would not be writing this, if I did not have a second thread in my mind. The part which sees myself in the league of extraordinary men, men who have done things right by themselves and right by this world. The part that thinks great things of my potential and fantasizes about seeing me realize each one of them, whilst the world everyday proves how grossly limited my capabilities are.

It’s the part that craves the nights, where you are just staring out at the world in front of you, from a high-rise balcony, or a mountain, or a deck at sea; cool breeze in your nostrils, you inhale deeply and breathing out you try to flush out the scared / excited feeling. When you know the morning is to bring something new to you. When you just can’t prove that everything is gonna be absolutely fine.

It feels like I need a rope around my waist, to balance my trapeze act. And what better rope than a reality check with intermittent day dreaming?

Wish me luck!

Love
Manik

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The world awaits

Lovely ones, loved ones.
dear ones
friends
brothers

My heartaches
My heartthrobs

Time has come for you to walk…

The old man repents what he did
the old man repents what he didn’t
the most that old men repent
is not returning

But I won’t ask you to stay …

——

I won’t ask you to stay and won’t tell you how to live.
Would only tell you, what I know you would.

Far and away shall you walk. Footsteps, thunderous footsteps.
Footsteps, light and soft, into the hearts.

Torches shall you bear. The light of the sun.
And lamps you will light, with the warmth within.

Soar high you will. Higher than your dreams.
Carry others you will too, the power in your wings.

——

Step forward. O dear!
They have been waiting.
We’ve been waiting.
Show us the gold that you bring in your heart
and let us claim your heralding.

Step forward and walk. For your mark the world awaits!

Love
Manik

My world; your world.

Perfection is a disease. It’s a cancer which spreads through you. Makes your mind go for a spin. Acceptance is a bliss. The sheer removal of expectation.

What to write and what to hold back has forever been the lament of those who think that the world doesn’t know them. And, it too is their lament, that the world doesn’t know them.

——

Stony shore
hard waves
unrelenting
cruel.

Unconscious
I see the faint light
the faint light house.

what storm had run me over
who knew?

today bright as ever
merely floating, yet afloat.
gathered all my courage
broke into a swim
for 5 seconds.

today bright as ever
floating still
pitied all I could
and lay lifeless
a broken spirit

‘day bright as ever
floating somehow
prayed for dear life
with my heart not in it
received help with his heart not into it.

‘day bright as ever
floating
prayed for deliverance
with tears of helplessness
received a sweet shower to quench my thirst.

‘days bright as ever
floating for one reason or another
emotions my mirage
the lighthouse my respite

That night calm as ever
the guards looking for survivors
he promised to pull me up
if I promised to live

I promised to live.
for a week we toiled

reached the stony shore
now the lighthouse in sight

stairs, unyielding stairs.
but I’m climbing.

Love
Manik

Whats happening

Today, there is so much to do. So much. Buy, save, live, feel, be, do, show.
Why does it require so much effort? I wanna rest, but how? I wanna I wanna I wanna aaarrrgrghhhhh! Purportedly I sit and I chose I don’t wanna. I don’t wanna do anything. I know I will regret this later. Sleep doesn’t come easily. Waking up is difficult. Running being and doing have all become so difficult. What do I do? Crying doesn’t help, I just end up pitying my self. I decide things and moments like these make me wanna feel weak, at least then I’d have a reason for all this. I am weak I can’t help it.

Home is not home anymore. This body requires so much effort. It wants to be fed. It wants to rest. It feels diseased. I miss so many people. But they all have expectations and I have no power left to fulfill. Constant blah blah blah. I am tired of it.

No, you enter title here.

I am here, but I am not. I am behind a veil. Cryptic. The veil is mine or is it imposed, I don’t know. The facade is necessary, but I am tired of it. I wanna swear but something restricts me. I wanna laugh but I am not happy. I wanna cry but something restricts me. Is it the idea of going back every Monday that blocks me from letting go? What is it! I think it is that, but I am not sure. For now, I can say that is it but I know there might be something else. This might just a thing behind which I am hiding the fact that I am not happy. I need a refresher. I want to be me. I feel tired I feel dejected. People may say sad and dejected are the same. But they aren’t. I feel dejected, not sad. I am tired of being on a pedestal. FUCK you! It’s your fault. But it is mine also, even though, I know this as a fact/in words but I don’t realize it yet. FUCK me as well!

Has rage ever took you over? Like, if you were driving, and suddenly out of nowhere a sudden impulse takes over you and you wanna kill the thing right in front of you. FUCCCCKKK! Hands lock-in to hold something and rip it apart. Well, that’s me. The incidents are getting more frequent. Sometimes people around me try and sympathize. But what do they know? Shitty Losers. Fuck. I am tired of the fact that I keep myself on a pedestal. I expect so much of me. And that just fucks with my brain my self-confidence my peace my mind when I am not able to deliver on it. And How can I? I am so tired. I am busy. Fuck life. Fuck friendship. fuck hugs. I need a hug. I need it from you. I want to unwind

I want to die if this is it. I hope it is not. Help me. I started thinking and the veil is back. FUCK this SHIT!

Horse with no name.

P.S. For the sake of publishing I tried removing the obscenities, but the expression went incomplete. I am sorry.

Friends at 20 something.

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Two men
After 20 years
they met.

Two friends
20 years
apart they were.

Neither would show it
But angry they were

Neither would admit it
But mourn they did want to

And then
20 hours later
After reminiscing
The glory days
The  drunken debaucheries
The crushes
and the future they planned
They stood
On a road that led two ways
Like most goodbye roads do

The pain visible
The hurt suppressed
The separation looming
The goodbye imminent
But the pride Unfailing

And then none knew who was the weaker
The one who turned away first
or the one who kept standing

——

The pain will not pass
The drink 20 something old
The anger will remain
for losing touch

Spoken word poetry

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Off late I have discovered: when in sad times write something to express yourself; when in happy times do the same! It helps! The sad times shorten and the happy times are shared with many!

Sarah Kay, was a big big big! inspiration for me there. Why? Because I love to write poems, but I can’t rhyme to save my life! And one day, I was introduced to spoken word poetry. And the person performing was Sarah Kay.

This is the video of the performance I saw. My eldest sister dedicated it to me after watching it! And instantly I was able to connect! Connect with the Poem, as well as the style!

Although it is true, I haven’t watched much of Sarah Kay otherwise, but I loved the idea of expressing myself, without having to rhyme words. I already did write, but it was always prose! And I always felt something missing! Soon I found out, what it was! Prose lacked the ability to convey without words! 😉

I wish that more people pick it up! It is easy! It is fun! And it is expressive! It is endearing really!

Love
Manik