Whats happening

Today, there is so much to do. So much. Buy, save, live, feel, be, do, show.
Why does it require so much effort? I wanna rest, but how? I wanna I wanna I wanna aaarrrgrghhhhh! Purpotedly I sit and I chose I dont wanna. I dont wanna do anything. I know I will regret this later. Sleep doesn’t come easily. Waking up is difficult. Running being and doing have all become so difficult. What do I do? Crying doesnt help, I just end up pitying my self. I decide things and moments like these make me wanna feel weak, at least then I’d have a reason for all this. I am weak I can’t help it.

Home is not home anymore. This body requires so much effort. It wants to be fed. I wants rest. It feels diseased. I miss so many people. But they all have expectations and I have no power left to fulfil. Constant blah blah blah. I am tired of it.

No, you enter title here.

I am here, but I am not. I am behind a veil. Cryptic. The veil is mine or is it imposed, I don’t know. The facade is necessary, but I am tired of it. I wanna swear but something restricts me. I wanna laugh but I am not happy. I wanna cry but something restricts me. Is it the idea of going back every Monday that blocks me from letting go? What is it! I think it is that, but I am not sure. For now I can say that is it but I know there might be something else. This might just a thing behind which I am hiding the fact that I am not happy. I need a refresher. I want to be me. I feel tired I feel dejected. People may say sad and dejected are the same. But they aren’t. I feel dejected not sad. I am tired of being on a pedestal. FUCK you! It’s your fault. But it is mine also, even though, I know this as a fact/in words but I don’t realize it yet. FUCK me as well!

Has rage ever took you over? Like, if you were driving, and suddenly out of no where a sudden impulse takes over you and you wanna kill the thing right in front of you. FUCCCCKKK! Hands lock in to hold something and rip it apart. Well that’s me. The incidents are getting more frequent. Sometimes people around me try and sympathise. But what do they know. Shitty Losers. Fuck. I am tired of the fact that I keep myself on a pedestal. I expect so much of me. And that just fucks with my brain my self confidence my peace my mind when I am not able to deliver on it. And How can I? I am so tired. I am busy. Fuck life. Fuck friendship. fuck hugs. I need a hug. I need it from you. I want to unwind

I want to die if this is it. I hope it is not. Help me. I started thinking and the veil is back. FUCK this SHIT!

Horse with no name.

P.S. For the sake of publishing I tried removing the obsceneties, but the expression went incomplete. I am sorry.

Friends at 20 something.

Tags

, ,

Two men
After 20 years
they met.

Two friends
20 years
apart they were.

Neither would show it
But angry they were

Neither would admit it
But mourn they did want to

And then
20 hours later
After reminiscing
The glory days
The  drunken debaucheries
The crushes
and the future they planned
They stood
On a road that led two ways
Like most goodbye roads do

The pain visible
The hurt suppressed
The separation looming
The goodbye imminent
But the pride Unfailing

And then none knew who was the weaker
The one who turned away first
or the one who kept standing

——

The pain will not pass
The drink 20 something old
The anger will remain
for losing touch

Spoken word poetry

Tags

, ,

Off late I have discovered: when in sad times write something to express yourself; when in happy times do the same! It helps! The sad times shorten and the happy times are shared with many!

Sarah Kay, was a big big big! inspiration for me there. Why? Because I love to write poems, but I can’t rhyme to save my life! And one day, I was introduced to spoken word poetry. And the person performing was Sarah Kay.

This is the video of the performance I saw. My eldest sister dedicated it to me after watching it! And instantly I was able to connect! Connect with the Poem, as well as the style!

Although it is true, I haven’t watched much of Sarah Kay otherwise, but I loved the idea of expressing myself, without having to rhyme words. I already did write, but it was always prose! And I always felt something missing! Soon I found out, what it was! Prose lacked the ability to convey without words! 😉

I wish that more people pick it up! It is easy! It is fun! And it is expressive! It is endearing really!

Love
Manik

Mushy Goodbyes

Tags

, ,

The YES!+ DCE tradition continues, it was farewell yesterday. The only thing different this time was, it was us at the receiving end. Here is the poem I read out.

——

Today I look at you, and I don’t know what I have done to deserve your love.

Today I remember those who have passed out of here, who sat on these benches and sofas,
with us sitting where you are; and I don’t know what I had done to deserve their love too.

What I did, I always did for selfish reasons, and yet you loved me.
What I did, I always did for gaining something, and yet they loved me!

I don’t know why, I don’t know if I ever would, but you love me and they love me

When I came here, I came here for friends, cause I had none
And he held my hand and drew me to you, and le behold

When I wandered I was looking for home, for I felt distant
And in you and in them I found it. Home. Forever, whatever may be.

It is true, they say; in Friendship, time dissolves.

——

This is for you, Yes!+ DCE.

You will forever be missed. You will forever be cherished. You will forever be mine and I, yours. I promise. I truly, irrevocably and eternally belong to you. Forever and ever and ever again.

Love
Manik

This is not it.

Day after day, every hour, I keep on getting desires to do something. Sometimes the desires are just about doing something else. Something else. Not this! No, not this too. Something else.

And that would have been frustrating but I know better. I think it is probably a good thing to get bored, frustrated again and again. It is probably a good thing that I keep getting to know, that “this is not it.

There must definitely be something else that can quench my desires. It is not a thirst, it is not hunger, neither sleep, nor want of companionship. And it is not any other carnal instinct. It feels like nothing can satisfy. And probably it might be scary for a normal person, but I know better.

I think it is a drive to do something worth-a-while. And I know of many things which are worth-a-while. Well, not many “things” but many ways. Because all that is actually worth-a-while is spreading smiles. So, it may be designing a new game, taking a political awareness step, helping someone out of their misery or simply enrolling another stranger-later-to-become-great-friend on one of the Art of Breathing programs, but it is what it is, something worth-a-while to spend your time effort and money upon.

Though I don’t know which, but I probably know where home is. And I am less scared about making tough choices. But, still scared anyway. Continue reading

You know I cried.

Tags

Mostly when I cry, I cry without a sound
‘Cause I never want anyone to hear
To pity, to sympathize
Or to tell me It’s gonna be okay, ’cause I know that.

I wail I shriek, all without a sound
and sound only uttered when no one’s around.

People may think, but they don’t know
They may generalize but I don’t fit
They say everybody cries, but I don’t
But you know what, I did cry. Continue reading